loss of innocence

 when a girl is expressing love which means she relies on me for her happiness, emotional well being and support; it used to be a high for me; now it is seen as an 'oh yet another responsibility'. what changed?

the female charm (for the biological male in me) is the factor. Once it lost it's novelty (experience of one or two females in proximity) then the costs for the same is also revealed. So it becomes a cost vs benefit analysis.

the reading of fiction. Shared real life experience from friends. Social media. All this are the reason for the loss of innocence about married life and such. Even extensive reading that helped think farther than what it warrants for the current phase of living (decadal phases, lets say). 

 On one hand, this is seen as a disruption. On the other hand, it comes as a clarity and helps put things in perspective so that there is a thorough awareness of what I am, limitations (ephemeral nature of life) and refusal to participate in time consuming loops that don't add meaning but just repetitions that satiate the dopamine/oxytocin receptors that make me feel alive in the moment (and only in that moment). 

 Once I wanted the present moment's activity to have a trajectory into the future; say, if I am flirting with a woman, I want that to make some sense in the future as a relationship or a meaningful connect with the same woman later.. if that doesn't happen then it's just 'living for the moment' and life just passes as a countless such series of moments that have no flow or fluidity from one to the other. 

Just the way someone just goes through a series of relationships without upgrading oneself from the experiences and the wisdom acquired from the introspection.