thoughts and perceptions

 Observation of the patterns to know how things work.. But from my end, the realisation that to spend the lifetime giving shape to the programming of the species is one thing; the exhaustion of that journey called life in the aforementioned way is another.  "Can I do something else" is the question that's pondering me for a while; since the designed journey is deciphered. 

man-kind all these time were all an accessory, tool or agents for a larger purpose than themselves: each of them. It is only recently the ego-inflation and identity for/of the self exploded and together with that, the plethora of mental health issues, which is, an imbalance of brain chemicals. To be too selfish or self absorbed and being mindful of the ego or the identity getting hurt and getting protective of the same!   For most of human history, the individual self was not the main unit of meaning. People were agents of continuity —for the tribe, the land, the gods, the lineage, the season, the crop cycle. Identity was assigned , not constructed . You were a son, a farmer, a warrior, a mother, a cog in something older and larger than you. The question “Who am I really?” barely mattered. What changed recently is not just culture—but cognitive load . Modern life did three things at once: Detached survival from community (you don’t need 30 people to eat tonight) Abstracted...

 when a girl is expressing love which means she relies on me for her happiness, emotional well being and support; it used to be a high for me; now it is seen as an 'oh yet another responsibility'. what changed? the female charm (for the biological male in me) is the factor. Once it lost it's novelty (experience of one or two females in proximity) then the costs for the same is also revealed. So it becomes a cost vs benefit analysis. the reading of fiction. Shared real life experience from friends. Social media. All this are the reason for the loss of innocence about married life and such. Even extensive reading that helped think farther than what it warrants for the current phase of living (decadal phases, lets say).   On one hand, this is seen as a disruption. On the other hand, it comes as a clarity and helps put things in perspective so that there is a thorough awareness of what I am, limitations (ephemeral nature of life) and refusal to participate in time consuming ...

 கரை வந்த பிறகே… பிடிக்குது கடலை…   நரை வந்த பிறகே… புரியுது உலகை… நேற்றின் இன்பங்கள் யாவும் கூடியே   இன்றை இப்போதே அர்த்தம் ஆக்குதே   இன்றின் இப்போதின் இன்பம் யாவுமே   நாளை ஓர் அர்த்தம் காட்டுமே வாழா என் வாழ்வை வாழவே   தாழாமல் மேலே போகிறேன்   தீரா உள் ஊற்றை தீண்டவே   இன்றே இங்கே மீள்கிறேன்   இங்கே இன்றே ஆள்கிறேன் ஏய்… யாரோப் போன்ற நான் என்னை பார்க்கிறேன்   ஏதும் இல்லாமலே இயல்பாய்   சுடர் போல் தெளிவாய் நானே இல்லாத ஆழத்தில்   நான் வாழ்கிறேன்   கண்ணாடியாய் பிறந்தே   காண்கின்ற எல்லாமும்   நான் ஆகிறேன் இரு காலின் இடையிலே   உரசும் பூனையாய்   வாழ்க்கை போதும் அடடா   எதிர் காணும் யாவுமே   தீண்ட தூண்டும் அழகா நானே நானாய் இருப்பேன்   நாளில் பூராய் வாசிப்பேன்   போலே வாழ்ந்தே சலிக்கும்   வாழ்வை மறைக்கிறேன்   வாகாய் வாகாய் வாழ்கிறேன்   பாகாய் பாகாய் ஆகிறேன் தோ… காற்றோட...

 Life as a human being -> life as a being on earth, with a limited timeframe of consciousness. Where this starts and ends, is mythology that is resolved continuously through the field of science; living is an art till then. With a typical relationship, I need to pay with resources (time being the primal!) for the upkeep of the dynamic. Of course sex and a sense of companionship is there, but the rewards are diminishing once the know-how of all it is arrived.  I would want not to get into sex; it goes into the animal part of the brain and numbs the forebrain. Besides, it makes me give attention to woman and that again is a time consumption black hole. My point is this: to be alive on this planet is a phenomenal privilege and to numb that with some kind of drama involving emotions and desires (stemming from instincts), yielding to the drive within, as programmed by nature and evolved by repetition and improvisation by the ancestral line is looking kind of.. 'is that all to ...

 Death of the romanticist in me I had the desire for the female. Companionship, the proximity, the chatting, dialogues. Then realized that this is all a self-deception; it all will eventually culminate in the sex and making kids, as per nature's grand plan. This realization made me lose steam wrt the pursuit of the woman. Used to be the guy who was the romanticist, writing letters and prose for the girl in pursuit, now no more. This is like watching Breaking bad again. There's no surprises, thrill or the puzzles. I wish I can re-live the innocent me phase again. But no, even the movies and music that used to work (wrt romance) isn't palatable anymore. Sad indeed, but there's no regrets.  there's a problem here with the relationship past the de-illusion. Back then, there's infinite energy to pursue after inflating the value of the chase, a self-deception. Now that's not there, because I can understand the stories I am telling myself (to delude myself in...