thoughts and perceptions

 Life isn't to be documented in the eat-sleep-work schedules and the details of it; it should be something more. Many a times, actual experience is a side-track to an original pursuit; say like in a relationship, the chase of endorphin highs also gives a sense of companionship with a person and thus begins a long time of togetherness.  To know everything as it happens. Or to discern it from a distant future and be in a blissful ignorance and just participate in the now, with hope and optimism. The former aligns with a high functioning brain and it brings stress as a side effect; the latter is easy on the psyche.  Thus awaiting surprises is easier on the brain health than to come to term with everything; unless, one has trained to be in a stoic imperturbable state. Any awareness about the details (or depth) therefore makes people scroll back with a 'too much details' and choose to distract themselves with some arc/activity.   To be in a depth/details where there ...

 as a man.. trying to keep doing things to better myself and those under my ambit. While this is rewarding when assessed at the end of the day with the 'what did I accomplish today' or the usual productivity quotient numbers, there is an observer within who is playing Dr.Brand's 'you are literally wasting your breath'. trying to make the day meaningful with tasks and goals is making me unaware of the passage of time. It's like the body and mind needs to be given some basic goals for the day so that the restlessness or the will to/for life (Schopenhauer) is satiated; and after that there is a 'me time' free from the two axes of attention seeking, resource demanding entities. Should do things for myself. While doing so, to satiate the boss, the critical self of mine. Tough task, but then do I have a choice?   

It's a paradox. Or a giant wheel of sarcasm. To set out a goal of enjoying life would mean doing things for the sake of it and there's no top-down integration. To work all life is also a thing of regret, having functioned as a cog in the giant machinery. Living light is too wavy, living heavy is too cumbersome. Lack of depth is nauseous to the mind, intensity is suffocating and cortisol spikes. I am 40. I can't burn my brain fuel at this rate, like I used to. Feeling alive through the intensity is one thing; to age too much for one's biological age is a needless side effect.  Like the loss of the father, loss of childhood's innocence.. this seeking of depth in every activity should be let go. Clinging onto it for the sake of an 'this is what I am' identity will cost you a lot. living each moment, doing whatever is in hand (at that moment) to it's perfection.. and trying to connect the dots in the timeline to write a story. Is that all to it? the so cal...

The stories to sell you the product. Either of nature derived (brain chemicals) or human invented (intellectual). To be attracted to this advertisement than the actual intended main course meal. The stories that I tell myself before purchasing a product is far more vivid and intense than the real world experience with it. Be it a materialist item, a relationship with someone, an ideology or any arc that keeps one engaging for a significant period of time.  evolution made me like this, lol, what a way to find a reason to justify a deplorable situation! 'human consciousness is a tragic misstep in the evolution of humanity' maybe the words from a pessimist philosopher. But one needn't have to be in such sadness beyond a point, lamenting about the ephemeral nature of everything and rather treat everything as an adventure. My often used analogy of 'a ride in the theme park' comes to my mind. One more analogy is like that playboy who 'enjoys' each woman experien...

 Managing my own body. As in, instincts. And trying to have a quality time on earth for intellectual pleasures like, reading, writing, learning, knowing, wondering, solving, deciphering, decoding.. pattern recognizing to connect the dots.. It is like a price I have to pay (as an animal based foundation) to reap the human (intellectual) benefits. If this is the perspective I have for human life on earth, then a relationship where entering into a deal to be responsible for another being on earth.. That is a double price to pay, isn't it? I can be in a survival mode for myself (wrt the foundation) but I cannot really ask a woman to do the same (unless she is in the same pov about life). For example, I can survive on bland food that is nutritive enough for healthy body functioning. Go celibate to handle urges (appropriate programming of the mind for the same) and be frugal on socializing with family and friends to save that time for those that I desire.  How will that be poss...

 I am tired of myself.. Without romanticism or the intensification, there is no motive to pursue a goal in sight. Or a person to pursue. A materialist desire.  The very attainment of that goal is the beginning of the sorrow and sob phase where the original stories cooked to make the pursuit happen, comes crashing. It's obvious.  I can't seem to function any other way.  Even ordinary exchanges with day to day basic life activities: I inflate a doll for each of them and have a very intense/dense/serious conversation with them (within my own mind).  The aforementioned people in actual don't treat themselves that seriously, but I am so addicted to this vividity.  Simple, casual socializing with a second person.. Or a content togetherness with a close person, as in a relationship..  The core self of me is so in an ugh mode when the social self is pretending to perfect that social image and the post mortem of the event is "better to be alone than in this low...

Kiss principle.  Finding new reasons to be deplorable or to laugh and have a lighter moment.. It is under the purview of individual choice.  If a man got his freedom and he isn't maximizing it's utility, it's a disgrace. So, live a bit. Hehe. 

 The vaishnavite prayers (after materialist, personal requests) is to not get distracted by any of the loops (maayai) and to give a place under the Lord's feet for eternity. While this might seem a bit of a stretch, in toned down form.. isn't this a sort of a wish to not be falling for the whims and fancies of the brain chemicals iterations? before going into neuroscience and bhakthi philosophy.. My theory of regarding this life as a software hacked into a human's body (and his mind) and thus the window of consciousness to get a tour of this world till the physical hardware permits: does it align (functionally) with the religious philosophical notions?

 Need to find a potent drug that I can dose upon for a long time. Sustainable. 

That the girl is beautiful makes no difference to the actual lived experience with her as a live-in partner, husband and such. A myth or a maaya (philosophical) that makes men commit to the present without bothering about the consequences. A biological trap where the contours of the female body makes the man feel alive through instincts and endorphins (perhaps?) and on this the tune for a long term commitment is set.  This is a pattern. I will be enamored with the features of an iphone 17 pro and compare it with an android equivalent (probably the xiaomi 17 that's launching soon) and desire either of them. But in reality I have an 6 month old phone that's working good and will last another 1.5 year at least. I can spend the money and get any of the new phones out of curiosity, convincing myself that 'life is to be lived, blah blah' but the underlying truth is that there is going to be no difference between the lived experience with any of the three phones.  Realizing ...

 to not react, lament, express. To observe, analyze and arrive at the actual reality - objective than subjective. To chart a course accordingly. coloring something with biased perspectives to give a 'personal' touch to everything that comes across... it may feel like expanding on the notion of what the self is. the 'me, me, me this, me that' ways of enriching the self. even astrology, to give an example. To identify with one category and deriving a sense of identity from it while trying to defend the same in arguments... the drama can make one feel alive through the repertoire of emotions and brain chemical rewards but when the zoomed out 'what am I doing with my life' question is asked and if answered sincerely.. it's all a vainglorious time consumption exercise. A conspicuous consumption of ideology (as opposed to materialism). the emptiness that comes from the decoupling from these narratives (wouldn't want to color it with the word 'illusion...

 Drawing oneself into some kind of narrative* and just be lost in senses about the passage of time.. and decades flying just like that.  *meaning, purpose, activity, theme.. it maybe farming, intellectuality, family, love and such: ego traps of being validated by attention/affection from any second person. And to live like an addict seeking repetition of the same and age oneself into the terminal wheelchair and deathbed.  Or, to write those all off and just live like a wanderer. Alone but not lonely. Pursuing things for the sake of keeping mental/physical health in good condition while preserving the sovereignty. So in the terminal day, there won't be any story to tell myself, no 'loving' family around to sob around when the plug is pulled. Just the 'ah, finally' (will I really do so?).  The first is the ordained path for any human on earth. Easy. Boring and predictable. Second is adventurous. Like walking barefoot in the vegetation, exposing oneself to vulnerabilit...

 Absolute reality has no utility. Stories and colored perspectives are to make one draw him/herself into the narrative and derive some purpose out of the attachment; the human brain can't harness the wholesome self into a tool for a purpose otherwise. Theory Vs practice. The dichotomy that runs because of this inability of the being to govern by abstracts or dry logic (logic, by it's nature itself is dry!).  In that sense; if I have dried (the human) self up into a crisp of functioning as a mind rather than the wholesome, how am I to engage with the world that comprises of beings who are governed with emotions, stories, theories and such constructs? 

 A long day.  Not exactly productive by the benchmarks that I usually apply; but a lot of things got done. There's tiredness. There's yawns. There's sleep awaiting in some time. And it will be deep sleep for sure.  I don't know if days like this will make sense when I look back. Maybe I won't look back at all. Till the last brain cell is demented, to look forward to newer experiences. Thus, the irrelevance of any and all pasts.  Love this moment. When I am a spent force. For the day.  -- Physical/physiological/emotional/mental health and the well being of it. The usual chartered path takes care of all these; now that I have decided to fly on an own path, the onus shifts from automated script to 'my life is my responsibility' script.  It's a mammoth task; but then can't have the niceties of either choice. As said earlier, to live with the regrets one can forgive oneself for (not) choosing. Self ownership.  Adventure! hah.