thoughts and perceptions

 Or, the ending scene from the movie Interstellar. Where we are going? The BGM aligning with the theme. After much adventures and substantial time left to explore, and whatever was built or preserved till now doesn't seem of value or worth the effort in sustaining/fighting for and have to re-start again from scratch.  The exhaustion in Brand's face in acknowledging the loneliness in the journey and the resolution to persist forward, nevertheless.  One can't know the future with certainty. Can spend time and mental resources to decipher, guess or simulate; but there's two perils in it. One, if it works right, then the novelty of it is gone. Second, if it didn't, then it would mean much anguish and re-working of the strategies, a constant cognitive load.  Cooper's abandoning of the crowd and stealing a flight to set into exploration again aligns with my negation of the desire to remarry and embrace the path where a woman's companionship, provider role and the ...

The subtle mocking plus concerned humor. I desired it in the women I pursued, all I got was low effort care and 'for the sake of it' returns. Sexual desire when the lower head governed the self. Romanticism that led the chase by being the fuel.  Family kids and social acceptance as a meaning to life, the milestones of the unexamined era of mine. When all these were the dominant factors, a woman who cares for the namesake is enough. Platitudes would do. But now things changed. The only criterion for a partner is "what do I get for what I give as attention, resources(time being the prominent as always!). Usual unstated but tacitly understandable dynamic is exchange of sexual favours. But I have stopped valuing it as a commodity.  What I didn't get was valued too much and then l devalued it (the same as a bpd woman, it's the high valuation and the idealization that led to the disappointment and devaluation later) and got to chase pursue and enjoy much more finer t...

 the price of individuation: To be on a constant guard of the self ownership from the subunits of the collectivist society. It is neurologically(cognitively) demanding. But over the period of time, got used to that.  There's a low grade sadness on account of the absence of any second person to ensure that (certain) thoughts in the head are rational and are coherent with the general set of attributes that which I call 'MYSELF'. But for that, there needs to be a person who is interested in knowing me.  Love, the wonder drug of the early years is the path to get that person where over a period of time, with conversations and a slow understanding of the core psyche of the person, this happens. It didn't materialize for me. Or when it happened, it wasn't the story that's worth recollecting so no point lamenting about it. The conventional gender dynamic driven relationships are all about what one can do to each other as roles and responsibilities than be a dispassiona...

When working for survival (driving, maneuvering people, earning) or when engaging thoroughly in a purpose.. I feel alive. No stress. Clean energy. But when dealing with larger than the (aforementioned) life, the luxuries, the excesses and embellishments.. there is a 'wow' at the moment, but the next moment is filled with emptiness or regret. is that because I am in a third world (India). or what is happening? When I engage in an activity after activity.. and use the faculties to attain it in optimal, perfect (as much as I can) ways.. I keep sharpening my mind and body. This will keep me alive as well as young, as much as it can. Aging happens. And then I will be a man of skillset. Retirement would mean embracing the weakened physique while having memories that are worth recollecting. Philosopher within me to be the companion of that terminal years. That is a good life (opinion/perspective as of now). 

 I used to talk to a woman. The primary attention keeping/seeking fuel is that she is a female. What is a man to do with a woman? The culmination of that process is inevitably the usual brouhaha of the body-brain-soul pleasing and the concomitant family project to align with the drive of the species.  What I was doing was this: to hijack this basic/core instinct and use it for the intellectual expansion of my own core self. The conversations I had with her when she wasn't there was much more fine and rewarding than when she was actually there. The virtual, simulated version of her, projected by my own mind. The idealized demi God with whom I could make an effort and don't have to regret doing so; for she's worth it.  And the actual interaction with her is the price I have to pay for the aforementioned benefit. The companionship by myself, for myself, with her as a front. The rewards derived from that simulated exchange kept my personal, psychological, philosophical growth...

 trips, parties, socialization, validation, ego-boosting rewards, achievements and social media aided 'I live the live'. The same formula and life(time) just fly through decades: looping and looping till old age and waking up to ''how did time just fly''. Family and religion as cope (the latter is losing relevance). That is all to human existence?