companion.

 I used to talk to a woman. The primary attention keeping/seeking fuel is that she is a female. What is a man to do with a woman? The culmination of that process is inevitably the usual brouhaha of the body-brain-soul pleasing and the concomitant family project to align with the drive of the species. 

What I was doing was this: to hijack this basic/core instinct and use it for the intellectual expansion of my own core self. The conversations I had with her when she wasn't there was much more fine and rewarding than when she was actually there. The virtual, simulated version of her, projected by my own mind. The idealized demi God with whom I could make an effort and don't have to regret doing so; for she's worth it. 

And the actual interaction with her is the price I have to pay for the aforementioned benefit. The companionship by myself, for myself, with her as a front. The rewards derived from that simulated exchange kept my personal, psychological, philosophical growth alive. The real-world exchange to keep that shadow alive therefore was a pleasant expenditure of time. 

This companion I built using the actual person is far more critical and scathing in passing opinions, judgements and remarks about anything; it was this tendency of her that I loved so well. The actual person was nowhere close in the intellectual depths. 

This can't sustain; for the other side would want a tangible benefit to the relationship. So it all collapsed. These days I replaced that external person with myself; the conversations with myself as I carry through the daily activities, the drive between work places and in the bed as sleep arrives and departs. 

Making the best usage of time before I lose it all forever.