the price of individuation

 the price of individuation: To be on a constant guard of the self ownership from the subunits of the collectivist society. It is neurologically(cognitively) demanding. But over the period of time, got used to that. 

There's a low grade sadness on account of the absence of any second person to ensure that (certain) thoughts in the head are rational and are coherent with the general set of attributes that which I call 'MYSELF'. But for that, there needs to be a person who is interested in knowing me. 

Love, the wonder drug of the early years is the path to get that person where over a period of time, with conversations and a slow understanding of the core psyche of the person, this happens. It didn't materialize for me. Or when it happened, it wasn't the story that's worth recollecting so no point lamenting about it. The conventional gender dynamic driven relationships are all about what one can do to each other as roles and responsibilities than be a dispassionate but interested partner in how the person governs him/herself. 

For that to happen, there should be a fulfilment of the lower Maslow's pyramid and then the seeking of a relationship. Nope, that isn't the case; it is all about fulfilling emotional needs and such. The inner organization is therefore not the subject of any debate. Would blame not anyone but on the high ideals that I picked up from eminent authors like Jordan Peterson who gave a romanticized version of what a life partner can be;  not the gender attraction and hormone driven benefits but those that help connect with a higher order version of oneself. 

The women I happened to be in conversation with, were all not independent or free. Subject to the influence of external opinions and perspectives. There's also a strong ego defending them so the trust to be allowed themselves to be read like an open book, wasn't on the cards. So what I can do for them as well as what they could do for me.. both have no answers. 

It is after the realization of this: that I will be carrying on a relationship with a lofty ideals that won't work in reality.. which made me decide to go alone in this path. 

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