Rumination.

It's a paradox. Or a giant wheel of sarcasm. To set out a goal of enjoying life would mean doing things for the sake of it and there's no top-down integration. To work all life is also a thing of regret, having functioned as a cog in the giant machinery. Living light is too wavy, living heavy is too cumbersome. Lack of depth is nauseous to the mind, intensity is suffocating and cortisol spikes.

I am 40. I can't burn my brain fuel at this rate, like I used to. Feeling alive through the intensity is one thing; to age too much for one's biological age is a needless side effect. 

Like the loss of the father, loss of childhood's innocence.. this seeking of depth in every activity should be let go. Clinging onto it for the sake of an 'this is what I am' identity will cost you a lot.

living each moment, doing whatever is in hand (at that moment) to it's perfection.. and trying to connect the dots in the timeline to write a story. Is that all to it? the so called living?

The desire to make it a perfect story and striving for the same.. is taking up a chunk of the resources. but to slow down and accept the mediocrity is .. ugh. 

Adrenaline and endorphins as fuel is like carb burning. One need to switch to ketosis: the meaning, purpose and the big-picture driven mode. 

Marriage and kids gave that meaning automatically for everyone else. When celebrating the freedom from it, the adequate replacement for the same needs to be instilled. When the equation on the right side is known, work is on the other side alone. But when both are variable, thence cometh the cognitive load. The necessity to be meticulous.  

But, isn't that an adventure of/for a lifetime? The thrill of doing something where there is a good probability that you will regret it all at the end, and therefore the cause for caution that which acts as a governing body to ensure whatever that's currently in action is strictly supervised? 

Will utilize my intelligence to ensure that I don't regret later. But then if I have to, got to make peace.

Again, that's a pathetic application of that brain power.

To live each day doing something as if I have an infinite time in this world is itself a fallacy. Been there, realized that and sworn to do right. 

What is that right thing then? that which I don't have to criticize myself for? Work for the next few days.  

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