When working for survival (driving, maneuvering people, earning) or when engaging thoroughly in a purpose.. I feel alive. No stress. Clean energy. But when dealing with larger than the (aforementioned) life, the luxuries, the excesses and embellishments.. there is a 'wow' at the moment, but the next moment is filled with emptiness or regret. is that because I am in a third world (India). or what is happening? When I engage in an activity after activity.. and use the faculties to attain it in optimal, perfect (as much as I can) ways.. I keep sharpening my mind and body. This will keep me alive as well as young, as much as it can. Aging happens. And then I will be a man of skillset. Retirement would mean embracing the weakened physique while having memories that are worth recollecting. Philosopher within me to be the companion of that terminal years. That is a good life (opinion/perspective as of now).
Work has started to demand a lot of time, energy and attention. The typical me is flooding the brain with simulations and outcomes of the tasks and charting course accordingly. Trying to sync the happenings as much as possible, like a fine piece of music. There is a voice in the head that says this will consume your time on earth and you aren't realizing it. There is also a voice in the head that says this actually is the right way to live. Works of great authors await my attention. Tempus fugit. Nothing (really) matters.
when a girl is expressing love which means she relies on me for her happiness, emotional well being and support; it used to be a high for me; now it is seen as an 'oh yet another responsibility'. what changed? the female charm (for the biological male in me) is the factor. Once it lost it's novelty (experience of one or two females in proximity) then the costs for the same is also revealed. So it becomes a cost vs benefit analysis. the reading of fiction. Shared real life experience from friends. Social media. All this are the reason for the loss of innocence about married life and such. Even extensive reading that helped think farther than what it warrants for the current phase of living (decadal phases, lets say). On one hand, this is seen as a disruption. On the other hand, it comes as a clarity and helps put things in perspective so that there is a thorough awareness of what I am, limitations (ephemeral nature of life) and refusal to participate in time consuming ...
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