reckoning.

Ridiculous as it is.. the realisation that a more beautiful girl is worth going through the rigmarole of marriage with the validation from society as a goalpost to have attained, only to pay for it with a significant portion of the lifetime for its upkeep, maintanence and freedom.

I was married to a rich, beautiful girl. The daily life was not worth putting up for the reward. Sexual life is a diminishing return. Have wondered why I did marry or what did I subject myself to this rigmarole..


Yes. Also this: maybe if I had gone through those states unaware but in a blissful ignorance of the objective reality of life than be lost in subjective narrations about love, meaning, purpose and goal.. that comes as a package with this pursuit of a woman.. then it's worth subjecting one's time on earth to that..

But having coming out of the cave.. to go back, is bothering. There's not much rewards. Having understood the dopamine reward system, the charm, beauty and ethereal attraction to the opposite gender...just disappears in the risk vs return assessment.

I can't really even subject to sit myself in a movie (except Nolan's mind benders for eg) these days.

How did I acquire this thirst for intensity?


I was the topper in 10th board exam. The charm of it was when I was working towards the result and not felt when celebrating the goal. Every goal was worth pursuing until it was reached. And then the pursuit as well as the meaning in that chase all vaporized. There's an emptiness and only a maintenance work to do: living up to the standards that are described as expected from that status (of an achiever).



Marriage/desire of a woman was the illusion I subjected myself into.. hormones as well as societal conditions and programming. It is a hacking of a naturally instilled vulnerability to create a meaning out of one's life through family, career and providing/protecting and a continuous improvement.. and in that process, a man elevates himself and derives a quality life.

An analogy to this is the Indian arranged marriage where one arrives at the phase where the hormonal love between the pair has ceased to have an effect and the momentum that carried them till there is used to keep going with other reinforcements like kids and combined financial investments as a rivet to strengthen the bond.


I can't seem to tone down on seeking the intensity.. when it comes to relationships where forgiving for the flaws, considerate behavior.. all matters. (I am very strict about my own flaws and reprimand myself for that!).


The goal therefore.. and all this rant is distilled down to this: how am I to give that quality of life for myself in a direct way without using this species' natural drive.

The rules and regulations for the same: Discipline. It's very easy and vulnerable to fall into consumerist traps (and dopamine conditioned repetitions of the same): drugs of various kinds. Like Interstellar's Gargantua and it's temptational pull toward's its vortex.. these traps draws a naturally curious human being towards it - only to fall into the same routine/responsibility task that was feared to enter, in the first place. 

Sex with a woman without responsibility. Chasing of highs from substances or precious liquids where the natural highs are hacked (and then what? when the system gets used to the low doses and there is a restlessness.. how is one to quench that thirst?). All those advertised 'living the life' enjoyments all come with an invisible price: one is to repeat it again and again and the full cost of that isn't calculated (same way how nature programmed orgasm into a man; he just shuts his forebrain off in the vicinity of that 'happening'). 

Consciousness, the gift from above (or nature!). To cherish, use it to do something meaningful.. every passing second, minute, hour, day, week, year and decade.